Strengths and Weaknesses

This past week, I have discovered some of my weaknesses on the job site. Sad, isn't it. I've been with this department for three years now and I'm seeing a more prominent inner-weakness now. grrr ....

Anyways, so as many may know. I try to be overly helpful. What I care about most is being able to work on stage and help in any way I can. That would seem to be a great strength, huh. Well, you are wrong. In my case, apparently it is a weakness. Of course it may be because there are certain personalities that such an action will conflict with. It can be misconstrued as appearing like I think I know more then others, or my way is better, or I think they are wrong. I don't mean to do that at all. I just try to find a way that is efficient and can make everyone happy. That probably is the biggest problem. I want to make everyone happy, which isn't always efficient or possible.

Sometimes I wish I could just keep my mouth shut and my body sitting in the location I should be maintaining. I am use to working on my own, so I use to run from place to place to get everything done. Now it is not the case. I have co-workers, volunteers, and other departmental employers helping me out. I need to learn better at being a team player. Just give an assignment and let them do it. I don't need to recommend a preferred way, or go with them, or keep talking for that matter. State it and stop talking. (unless, of course, they ask for my help)

Sorry, I have made a lot of stupid little mistakes these past few days and when anything wrong happens, I feel awful and probably blow it out of proportions in my mind. I do want a perfect show. Apparently I still need to work on the "think before you speak (or act)" because half my problems have come from saying things incorrectly.

Of course, I do keep reminding myself - It isn't what I think, it is what others see and remember. If the audience saw a perfect show, then they had a perfect show. I don't need to make it aware to them that I missed a cue or the timing wasn't quite what I wanted. It would be preferred to have everything run smoothly in a technicians perspective, but that isn't the end of the world. Move on ... carry on ....

Yep, I'm done venting ... for now ... thanks for listening :-D You may now ignore everything I've just said. :-D

Oh, and another weakness I have is communication. I feel I am simply awful at it. I understand it in my mind, but processing it into words then sending it out of my mouth seems impossible. It gets mixed up, garbled, and incoherent. It is true at times that I can speak well on some matters, but when it really matters to me, I can't get the words out exactly how I want it. Maybe I am too much of a perfectionist. Oh well. I always felt like I was meant to be a technician because the job was more about what I could accomplish with my hands then what I could communicate with words. It kills me to forget the terms of the simplest things. My mind seriously goes blank of words for no reason. I prefer to walk out on a stage and get all the necessary tasks done, but when someone asks me what they are, I can't come up with them. It's weird, and sometimes frustrating. However, I do prefer to present myself through the hard work I accomplish rather then any other way. When someone think of me, I'd rather have them say that I am a hard worker dedicated to my tasks, than to hear any other compliment. I am a worker. That is all there is to it.

I do wish I was better at teaching people. I am so use to working on my own and doing things hands on, it's been a struggle this past year to learn to teach another. I am getting better at it, but there are moments that I'll have to do it myself first before being able to tell them. I am just so much better at showing. Of course I do learn a lot more when someone asks my why. I see a new perspective on the matter and begin to understand more. I get those "Oh" moments and it's great. I love to continue learning. I want to never stop learning. Even when I am doing a job that has become a daily habit. There is always something new to learn. If it is a more efficient way of accomplishing it, another way it can be used, an attribute I didn't know it had. This world never stops us from learning and I find the theatre industry keeps up with this and it grows and develops in concepts, theories, technology, design, etc.

I LOVE MY JOB!!